The Girl With No Arms & No Legs
There is this girl with no arm and no legs sitting on the beach. A guy walked by
and she started crying. The guy asked, "Why are you crying?" She said,
"I have never been kissed before". So the guy kisses her. She starts
crying again. The guy asked, "Why are you crying now?" She said,
"I have never been screwed before." So the guy picked her up and threw
her in the water and said, "now your screwed."
Punishment For Anal Sex
There is a priest who is summoned by the archbishop. He had to leave for several
days. So he looked for a priest to fill in for him in the confession box. He
called every priest he knew. None were available. He finally called a Rabbi. The
Rabbi said "I don't know, our religions are very different." The
priest said "It's okay you line the sin up with the punishment on this
chart." The rabbi gave in and decided to fill in. The next few days the
rabbi listened to confessions and helped the people. The third day a man came in
and said "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: How have you
sinned?" Person: I had anal sex." The rabbi was stumped for that sin
was not on the chart. So the rabbi asked the man to wait. The rabbi asked
everyone what the punishment was for anal sex. Finally the altar boy walked in.
The rabbi asked what does the father give you for anal sex? The altar boy
replied "Usually two cookies and a glass of milk."
The Farmer In Training
Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He
said to himself, "Well, since I'm going to have a farm, I'd might as well
have animals on it." So the doctor got in his truck to go looking. Along
the way, he spotted a sign saying, "Cocks 4 Sale." He pulled over and
asked the farmer what a cock was. "A cock is a rooster," the farmer
replied. So the doctor bought a cock and put it in the back of his truck. The
doctor continued on his way until he saw a sign saying, "Pullets 4
Sale." The doctor pulled over and asked the farmer what a pullet was.
"A pullet is a hen," the farmer replied. "But sometimes a cock
and pullet will fight, so watch out." So the doctor thanked the farmer and
went on his merry way. Down the road a bit, there was another sign saying,
"Asses 4 Sale." So the doctor pulled over again to ask. "An ass
is a donkey," the farmer replied. "But watch out because this donkey
is different. If he gets scared, he'll sit down and won't move until you scratch
his belly." The doctor thanked this farmer and turned around to head home.
Well, in the road was a broken bottle and the doctor's truck ran over it.
Pop!!!! The sound made the cock and pullet started to fight and the donkey sat
on the spare tire. A lady just happened to be passing by and asked if the doctor
needed help. The doctor, wanting to sound like a professional farmer, replied,
"Yes, I need help. Will you please hold my cock and pullet while I scratch
my ass???"
A rich guy's wife & one sharp razor
There was a rich guy who had to go on a business trip, so he brought his wife
and his three butlers. While at the hotel, he got a call to go to a meeting.
Before he went, he stuck a razor up his wife's pussy so he can tell if the
butlers tried to sleep with her. When he got back, he told the first butler to
pull down his pants. The butler's penis fell off. The same thing happened with
the second butler. Then he told the third butler to pull down his pants, but his
penis did not fall off. The rich man was shocked, so he asked the butler how he
resisted the temptation. The butler tried to answer, but for some reason his
tongue was slashed and bloody.
Newly Weds Gettin' Naked
There was these newly weds that were both virgins and nervous about the wedding
night. Finally when it came the wife took off all of her clothes and went under
the covers while her husband took off his clothes one by one. First he took off
his socks and his toes were messed up. His wife says "what happened to your
toes?" He says "I had toelio". She says "you mean
Polio", but he said, "no, toelio". Then he takes off his pants
and the wife sees that his knees are all banged up and weird. The wife says
"what happened to your knees?" He says "I had Kneaseles".
And she says "you mean Measles" and he says "no, Kneaseles".
Finally he took off his underwear and she says "Let me guess...small cox?"
Little Old Lady Making Bets
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money
She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings
account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the presidents
office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has
$165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was
surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks
her. The old lad says, "I make bets". The president replies,
"Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet
you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the
president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet".
The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are
not square!" The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of
money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00
AM to witness?" "Sure" says the president. That night the
president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a
mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again,
thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls
are square and that he will win the bet. The next morning at 10 AM the little
old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the
lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's
balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks
him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this. The little old
lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well,
OK" says the president, $25,000 is a ,lot of money, so I guess you should
be absolutely sure". Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his
head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your
lawyer?" She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10
AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"
Panda-Bear & Prostitute Get Busy
It's about 2 o'clock, and you know how things look in a bar about two o'clock..
well there a panda bear and a prostitute sitting together, and the woman asks if
he would like to go home with her.. the panda bear looks her over and says
sure.. so they go to her place they have a good time and the panda bear gets up
to leave, when the prostitute yells ,"where do you think you're
going?" the panda bear answers that he is going home, the woman then
explains that she is a prostitute and the panda bear answers that he knows but
he is a panda bear.. they can't see eye to eye on it so they decide to look it
up in Webster's ... they look up prostitute: a woman that gets paid for sexual
favors, the panda bear answers that yes he knew that, now look up panda bear: a
black and white bear that eats bushes and leaves.
The Righty/Lefty Golfer
This foursome has teed off every Saturday morning for the past three years. One
of the guys was a most remarkable player. He would play left-handed for a couple
of weeks, and the next week he would play right-handed with equal skill. His one
annoying fault was that every couple of months or so he would be twenty minutes
late to tee off. One morning, after this guy had landed his second shot just two
feet from the pin, one of the others said. "I can't stand it any longer!
Jess, what's with switching sides, right to left? Why do you do that?"
"Well, I tell ya. Every Saturday morning when I wake up, I turn over and
look at my wife in the bed next to me. If she's sleeping on her right side, then
I tee off right- handed. If she's on her left side, then I play
left-handed." "Aha! But what if she's on her back?" "That's
when I'm twenty minutes late!"
Three Worst Chinese Tortures
Once there was a guy wandering through the desert. he was starved and very
thirsty so he was very excited when he saw this huge house out of nowhere. He
walked up and rang the doorbell. After a couple of rings an old Chinese guy
answered. The starved man begged him for a meal and some shelter. The Old man
said that he could stay as long as he needed to, but there was one exception the
old man said "you can not touch my daughter. If you do you will experience
the 3 worst Chinese tortures". The man, being very hungry and tired,
quickly agreed. " how good looking can she be if she lives out in the
middle of nowhere" he thought. That night at dinner he saw the old man's
daughter for the first time. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen
in his life. He tried not to stare at her but he couldn't help it. After dinner
she handed him a note that said " meet me in my room at midnight".
That night after the old man had gone to sleep he went into the beautiful
daughter's room. She gave him the best sex of his life. The next mourning he
woke up in bed with a huge rock next to him. On the rock it said " 1st
worst Chinese torture". He didn't know how it got there but he wanted to
get ride of it. He picked it up, walked over to the window and threw it out.
just then he saw a note on the window sill. It read " 2nd worst Chinese
torture: left testicle tied to rock". Knowing this he jumped out after the
rock. While falling he got close enough to the rock to see another sign on it.
The sign read " 3rd worst Chinese torture: right testicle tied to bed
post".
What Do I Look Like?
A woman was trying to do her laundry one day, when her washing machine suddenly
broke down. Distraught, she called her husband at the office and said,
"Honey, can you please come home and fix the washing machine? It doesn't
work." The angry husband replied, "What do I look like? The freakin’
Maytag man?" and hung up. The woman decided to go to the Laundromat to
complete her washing. She got in the car, but when she turned the key in the
ignition, it wouldn't start. She again called her husband at work and said,
"Honey, I tried to go to the Laundromat with the car, but it wouldn't
start. Can you come home and take a look at it?" Again, the angry husband
snaps, "What do I look like? Freakin’ Mr. Goodwrench?" and hung up.
She decided that the best thing to do is call the Maytag man. The Maytag man
arrived and fixed the washing machine. She then asked him if he knows anything
about fixing cars. He replied that he knows a little and goes outside and takes
a look under the hood. Ten minutes later, he returned and said, "Your car
is running fine now. The only thing wrong was your fuel filter was a little
dirty." The lady said, "Wow, you're a pretty handy guy! How much will
this all cost?" The Maytag man says, "I’ll tell ya what, lady. You
can bake me a cake or have sex with me - your choice." Later that evening,
the husband returned home from work. The lady explained to her husband that the
Maytag man fixed the washing machine and the car. The husband asked how much all
of this will cost. She replied that he wanted me to bake a cake for him or have
sex. The husband then said "Well, what kind of cake did you bake for
him?" The lady said, "What do I look like? Freakin’ Betty
Crocker?"
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