One day, three nuns were talking while enjoying their cups of tea, when one of the nuns leaned towards the other two and whispered, "I'm in such a dilemma, sisters, and I don't know what to do. Maybe you can help me. When I was cleaning the Father's room, I found a box of condoms in his dresser drawer, and now I don't know whether or not to tell Bishop. What do you think I should do?"
"Oh my word," said the second nun. "I must have found the same box of condoms when I cleaned his room last week! Well, I don't know if you should tell the Bishop or not but do you know what I did? I poked a hole in the end of each and everyone of them."
Both nuns heard a gasp, turned and saw that the third nun had fainted.
Jesus is hanging on the cross. As he is hanging, he yells, "John, John, come here, quick!"
John hears the voice of his master and came running up to the Lord. As he gets there the guards catch him, cut off his legs, and through him back in the crowd.
Jesus yells again, "John, John, come here quickly, quickly!"
So John, crawling on his hands alone, approaches the cross. The guards catch him again, cut off his arms and throw him back in the crowd.
Jesus yells a third time, "John, John, you must come quickly, time is short, hurry!"
So John with his tremendous faith, using his chin alone, approaches the cross. The guards do not see him and he gets to the base, flips over and says, "Yes Lord."
Jesus says, "I can see your house from up here!!!"
One day God came down from heaven and came to the Pope. God looked at the Pope and said, "Do not be afraid, this is just a little survey I take of all the Popes. The first question I have of you is do you think that Priests will ever be able to get married?"
The Pope answered "Ah, no, not in my life time."
God said, "Okay, the next question is: Do you think there should be women priests?"
The Pope answered "Ah, no, not in my life time."
God said, "Okay, my last question is: Do you think the Roman Catholic church should approve birth control?"
The Pope answered "Ah, no, not in my life time."
God said, "Okay, thank you very much for your time." and he turned and started to leave when the Pope said, "Lord, may I ask you one question?"
God turned to the Pope and said, "Sure, you answered mine, what would you like to know?"
The Pope said, "As you know I am very patriotic and I was wondering if there would ever be another Polish pope?"
God answered "Ah, no, not in my life time."
There where 3 nuns on a train and they had been talking for some time when they decided to pass the time they decided to tell each other what their greatest sins where.
The first nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and become a prostitute. Of course I put all the money I earn in the poor box but that is my greatest sin."
The second nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I the money out of the poor box and drink for one consecutive week."
The third nun was sitting there being very quite. The other nuns say "come now we told you our worst sins, what is yours."
The third nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is that I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train."
There where two novice nuns and a mother superior riding a three person bicycle when they hit a bump. The two novices giggled.
The mother superior just gave them a dirty look.
They rode a little farther and they hit another bump and the novices giggled again.
The mother superior gave them another dirty look.
They rode a bit further until they came to another bump and the two novices giggled again and the mother stopped the bike and looked at the novices and said, "If you don't stop that I'm going to put the seat back on!"
Mother superior at the grocery: "I would like to have 120 bananas for the convent."
Salesman: "If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic to buy 144 of them."
Mother superior: "Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24."
Choirboy 1: Hi! I have to go to confession today, and I'm a bit worried. You know this priest a long time already. What would he give for committing sodomy?
Choirboy 2: That's two chocolate bars.
Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?"
Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior."
Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."
A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says, "Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her.
She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."
Two nuns are walking down an alley at night. Two guys jump out and start raping them. The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"
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