81
Laurel and Loren were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright, white couple. Want- ing to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black baby, and set to work. Nine months later, the fruits of their labor was born: a lovely white girl. Pleased but disappointed, Loren decided to ask a black man at work why they hadn't parented a black baby. Realizing that
Loren was somewhat sluggish, the fellow took him aside and asked, "Is your penis at least a foot long?" Loren had to admit that it was not. "And is it at least four inches wide?" Once more Loren replied in the negative. "Well, man, there's your problem!" the chap slapped him on the back. "You let in too much light!"
82
Little Ashley and his friend Beaufort went to the movies and, before the show, headed to the bathroom to relieve themselves. Ashley urinated, then washed his hands; much to his surprise, Beaufort did just the opposite. "Hey," said Ashley, "smart boys wash after they pee." Holding his head back proudly, young Beaufort corrected, "Smart boys learn not to pee on their hands."
83
A news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down to the station. While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed it.
No problem: the police waited five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check...twice.
84
Josiah owned the most unflappable horse in the Midwest and, deciding to make some money off him, brought the stallion to the county fair. There he offered five hundred dollars to anyone who could make the animal laugh. Person after person came up to the horse, paying Josiah five dollars for every minute they spent with the animal. Most stood in front of the animal and made flinny faces, some did tricks, a few even told jokes, but the horse didn't crack a smile. By the end of the day Josiah had made five hundred dollars and was looking forward to reaping a small fortune. Just before closing time, a dwarfish little man came up. He handed Josiah a five-dollar bill, climbed on a stool, cupped his hand to the animal's ear, and whispered something; at once, the animal broke into a fit of mirthful neighing and whinnying. Shocked, Josiah handed over the five hundred dollars he had made and resolved to change his tactics. The next day Josiah decided to offer five hundred dollars to anyone who could make his horse
cry. Person after person tried and by day's end, Josiah had recouped the money he had lost. Just then the same dwarfish man showed up. Taking his money, Josiah watched as the little fellow stood in front of the horse and dropped his pants. At once the horse began to weep
uncon- trollably. Hitching up his pants, the short man collected his money and started away. Bursting
with curiosity, Josiah called after him. "Wait a minute, ya puny thing, I gotta know. What made my horse act like that?"
"Simple," said the dwarfish man. "Yesterday, I told him my penis was bigger than this. Today," he shrugged, "I showed him."
85
The judge glowered at the haggard robber and said, "Then you admit breaking into the same dress shop on four successive nights?" "Yes, your honor." "And why was that?" "Because my wife wanted a dress." The judge consulted his records. "But it says here you broke in four nights in a row!" "Yes, sir. She made me exchange it three times."
86
Dating the first southern girl he'd ever known, the Yankee was surprised when she greeted him at the door in the lowest-cut gown he'd ever
"Th-that's a lovely dress," he stuttered, his "eyes on her ample bosom.
"Sho' nough," she replied. To which he answered, "I'll say!"
87
A man and his wife were driving their RV across country and were nearing a town spelled
Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me;
kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked puzzled at them and slowly said: B-U-R-G-E-R K-I-N-G.
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