31
"How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend john.
"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."
"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.
"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . . ."
32
The middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited Dr. Zamor. "Come now, " coaxed the gynecologist, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange—" "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor assuaged her. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see." "That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl." "Uh-huh." "That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning, doctor, there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply going through your change. "
33
A young man was walking along the shore and found a lantern washed ashore. He picked it up and was brushing the sand off of it. Suddenly a genie appeared in a puff of smoke. He said, I am the djinn of Timbuktu; He that finds me has two wishes. Amazed, the young man thought for a moment. *Two wishes, huh? What I wish is that I can always be hard and that I can get all the ass I want." "As you wish," said the genie, and he promptly turned the young man into a toilet seat.
34
The maid answered the phone, mumbled something and slammed it down.
The lady of the house, who was expecting a call from a far off relative, asked "Who was it, Mary?"
The maid replied, " Some guy who said it's a long distance from California. I told him I knew that !"
35
The young black man was poking around in an alley when, much to his surprise, he found a magic lamp. Rubbing it, he was delighted when a genie appeared and boldly announced:
I am the djinn of Timbuktu He that finds me has two wishes. Beside himself with glee, the youth says, "Genie, my first wish is to be uptight and
out of sight, and my second wish is to be inside a nice, warm lady. "
Bowing obeisant, the genie turned the youth into a Tampax.
One day the hillbilly decided to have his prop-erty cleared of trees. Calling in a woodsman, he explained that he wanted all the trees cut down, save for one proud oak. "Forgive me for asking," said the woodsman, "but why do you want that one tree spared?" The hillbilly grinned. "
'Cuz that's whar I had my first taste o' lovemakin'." The woodsman smiled with understanding. "Yup," the hillbilly continued, "and the whole time her mom was
standin' just a few paces off. " The woodsman's eyes grew wide. "You're kidding! But—didn't her mother say anything?" "Sure did," the hillbilly declared. "She said,
Baaaaaaa....
36
The young hillbilly had just gotten married and, nervous about his wedding night, snuck out and paid his father a visit. "It's simple," said his father. "Remember the stiff thing y'used t'play with as a boy? Just take it out and stick it where yer honey pee's.Filled with confidence, the boy ran home and, grabbing his baseball bat, threw it into the outhouse.
37
Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world. Old Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly. "Now you lissen good,
Dan'l, 'cuz here's whatcha gotta do.
One: Take out yer penie-pipe.
Two: Pull back the foreskin.
Three: Pee.
Four: Push back yer foreskin.
Five: Put yer equipment back."
The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, the man's wife came
running over. "Oh, Joe, Joe, come quickly! Dan'1 went t'pee an' he won't come outta the outhouse!" "Heck,
what's he doin' in there?" "I dunno. He just keeps sayin' Two-four, two-four. . . .' "
38
A wealthy lady was giving last minute dinner party instructions to her butler.
"Jeeves, I want you to stand at the front door, and as guests enter, call out names".
"Thank you madam", he replied. "I've waited for this opportunity for years".
39
Little Joey dressed as a pirate for Halloween and went out trick-or-treating. When he rang Mrs. Bonelli's doorbell, the woman handed him a lollipop and looked around with mock terror. "And tell me. Captain Joey, where are your buccaneers?"
"Under my buckin' hat," the boy replied.
40
Mr. Rawson was sitting at the bar when the fellow perched on the stool next to his slid off. Feeling that there was no way the man would make it home on his own, Mr. Rawson managed to get the man's address from him, and, since the house was only a few blocks away, he decided they could walk it. Slipping an arm around his waist, they started toward the door. No sooner had they taken a few steps then the men's legs crumpled and he dropped. Mr. Rawson patiently helped him up and he dropped again; once outside he fell again and then a fourth
time. The man mumbled something, but Mr. Rawson was in no mood to listen. Ya drunken bum," he complained. "Why the hell didn't you cut it out before you got so falling down drunk?" When the man took two more steps and fell both times, the Good Samaritan decided that enough was enough. He simply threw his shoulders beneath the man and carried him home. Rapping indignantly, he strode in when a woman answered the door and then unceremoniously dumped the man on the couch.
"Here's your husband," Mr. Rawson complained. "And if I were you. I'd have a serious talk to him about his drinking."
"I will," the woman promised. "But tell me," she went on, (looking outside) "where's his wheelchair?"
|
