41
After having their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Kentuckian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to West Virginia to get a second opinion. The physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Kentucky. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . ." at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
42
A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door,
"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.
Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door...and there stood the pig and the cow.
43
Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to come and try to I.D. the body. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yeh, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."
The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was kind of strange. Then he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body, and Billy-Joe looked at him and said, "Yeh, he's burnt real bad; roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-joe looked down at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."
The mortician said "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yeh, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!'"
44
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
The New Zealander is shocked!
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" pointing at the New Zealander?
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
The New Zealander can't believe his ears!
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
New Zealander: "Horse doesn't talk either."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "No worries."
The New Zealander's mouth is agape.
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the New Zealander?
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."
45
An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun.
As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
46
In the 1880's, the decade of gunslingers a young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west, walked into a saloon in Dodge City.
To his surprise, saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"
Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you."
The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?"
The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve.
Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?"
Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson.
Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you."
"What's that?" the boy asked.
"I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard."
Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that.
Masterson put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and. . . "
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