31
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand up one more time - same result. He figures that he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that'll sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and into his bedroom. When he reaches the bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting. "So", she says, "you've been out drinking again!!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called," she replies. "You left your wheelchair there again!"
32
Q. Why do Canadians only have sex doggie style?
A. So they can both watch the hockey game!
33
A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, "What a Pollack."
The Polish man said, "I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew."
"Probably, " replied the clerk.
"And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs, would you also insult him?"
"Probably," the clerk again replied.
"Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody not like you?"
At this, the clerk replied, "Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron."
34
When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.
A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."
The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.
"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."
"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."
"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."
35
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman, and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through England.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scots fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'
And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English creep again.
36
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
38
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," said the young woman.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
39
Five surgeons are taking a coffee break. First surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
Second surgeon says: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
Third responds: "Try electricians, man! Everything inside THEM is color coded."
Fourth intercedes: "I like construction workers...They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when it takes longer than you expect." To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says: "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and butt are interchangeable."
40
Three lawyers were waiting for the subway, standing in line to buy three tickets. They saw three accountants with whom they shared a client.
They noticed the accountants purchased only one ticket so one of the lawyers asked, "How will all three of you ride the subway with only one ticket?"
"Watch and learn," replied one of the accountants.
After they boarded, all three of the accountants packed into the bathroom. The conductor came through, knocked on the door and said, "TICKET PLEASE." The bathroom door cracked open only a bit, one hand reached out with a ticket. The conductor took the ticket and moved on.
The accountants emerged from the bathroom laughing and exchanging high 5's.
On the return trip the Lawyers said, "We're smarter than those accountants. If they can do then it we can do it."
The lawyers purchased one ticket. The accountants, behind them in line, bought no tickets. "How will you ride the subway with NO tickets this time?" one of the lawyers asked. "Watch and learn," replied one of the accountants.
As the conductor made his way toward their car, the lawyers all piled into the bathroom. Then before the conductor got there, one of the accountants knocked on the bathroom door and in a disguised voice said, "Ticket please."
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