A old favorite made new
Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?" "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish." "Great, can I try it?" "Sure." First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie." The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" "Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door. "I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?" from S Rodriguez
Secret of my success
One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks down to where the ugly man is. The bartender says, "Please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly. Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir, what is it about you that these women are so crazy about?" The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said, "I haven't the foggiest idea."
Road kill necrophilia
A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."
Spew
A vagrant walks into a bar and is told by the bartender to get out! The vagrant asks for a cocktail stick and he will leave, to which the bartender obliges. A moment later another Vagrant walks in to the bar and again the bartender tells this one to leave. The vagrant asks for a cocktail stick and he will leave, to which the bartender obliges. A third vagrant walks into the bar and this time the bartender offers him a cocktail stick to leave. However the vagrant declines the offer and asks for a drinking straw. The bartender inquires to why the Vagrant wants a drinking straw when the other two wanted cocktail sticks? The vagrant replies, 'well someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits are gone!'
Jesus
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
Workin' for a livin'
A guy sees a pretty lady at the end of the bar and is interested in buying her a drink. He tells the bartender that he will buy her another of whatever she is drinking. The bartender says "OK, I'll pour it for her. But just for your information, she's a hooker. She'll do what you want for money." The drink gets delivered and the woman makes eyes at the guy, inviting him over. After a couple of minutes of chatting, the guy gets up the nerve to ask her: "The bartender says you're a hooker, is that true?" The woman says "Yes. I do it for the money. In fact, I'll do anything for $200." The guy thinks for a minute and then pulls out $200, gives it to her and says "Paint my house."
They didn't even have a drink!
There's these 3 girls (blonde, brunette and redhead) who walk into a bar and then a cop comes in a realized they were all under age so they all bolted. They ran into an alley where there were 3 trash bags...then the police come and the officer kicks the first one (where the brunette was) and she says "meow" and the officer says "oh it's just a bunch of cats" then he kicks the next one where the red haired girl was hiding and she says "woof woof" and the officer says "it's only a bunch of dogs" then he kicks the last bag where the blonde is hiding and she says "potato's potato's."
Foreign exchange
This American lady comes to a small town in Ireland on holidays, she goes into a bar where four men are sitting drinking and asks the barman to give her a pint of what the locals drink, so the barman says fair enough its your call. So she downs the pint, falls flat on her face and is out for the count. The four lads look down and say, "Jesus she's a bit of stuff, I wouldn't mind having some fun with her." So the four lads pick her up, find her apartment key, strip her naked and shag her senseless. The next day there's about 20 lads in the pub, in she walks and says to the barman "a pint of what the locals drink please" no problem he says, so she downs it, falls flat on her face, out for the count again. All 20 bring her back and have their way with her. By this stage the whole town has heard, so the next day the pub is full to capacity waiting for her. So in she walks and goes up to the bar, the barman says "a pint of what the locals drink is it?" She says "No, give us a pint of Heineken, that other stuff was ripping the cunt off me."
Beer Drinker's Troubleshooting Guide
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Room is spinning.
Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
Fault: Drooling on yourself.
Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.
Symptom: Bar looks like a circus.
Fault: You're at a circus.
Solution: Go to a bar.
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