The trick is...
This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender. The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons "46!!" Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out "39!!" Now the patrons are getting even louder in
laughing. Lastly, he shouts "14!!" Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing. The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender "What is going on?" The bartender says "This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full" The visitor is astounded "Let me try!!" he says- So he shouts "46!!" Nothing happens "39!!" Still nothing. "14!!" and yet still not a sound from the patrons. The visitor says to the bartender "I don't understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response. The bartender replied, "Well, some folks can tell a
joke, and some folks can't"
Three guys
Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk
out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff.
The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will be able to fly now" So they all went outside and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and died instantly. The third guy turned to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you are a real jerk when you
drink."
Jockeying for a position
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.' His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.' Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'
You Wished For What?
One day, a guy walks into a bar and he pulls a little 8 inch guy and a little piano out of his pocket and the little guy starts to play. Everyone looked at him and was just so amazed by this.
One guy walks over to the other guy and asks him where he got that little man and the piano. He replies, "Well, out there, is a genie and he grants you but one wish."
So, immediately after the guy heard that, he ran out to the genie. He walks back into the bar with all these ducks everywhere.
The guy with the man and piano asks, "Where'd all those ducks come from?"
The other says, "Well, I asked the genie for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks."
The first guy says, "Oh, I guess I should have warned you that the genie is hard of hearing. You don't actually think I asked for a 8 inch pianist, do you?"
Dyke van Dick
A guy walks into this bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a Budweiser." So the bartender gets him a Bud. The man is enjoying his beer when he notices two beautiful blondes at the end of the bar. The man noticing that his beer is empty says, "Hey bartender, another Bud, and get those ladies at the end of the bar a drink on me." The bartender gives the man his Bud, and says "Don't bother getting those girls a drink, it won't do you any good. You're just waisting your time." The man says, "Naaa. Give em one on me." So the bartender pours the girls a drink and gives em to the blondes. The girls out of respect raise their glasses, in a sort of thank you, and take a drink. The man now figures he's in. So he walks over to the girls. He notices that the girls are empty again. So the man yells, "Hey bartender, how about another round over here?" The two girls look up at him and one says, "It won't do you any good. You're just waisting your time." Well the man puzzled, says, "The bartender said the same thing. What the hell does that mean I'm just waisting my time??" The other blonde says, "Well we're lesbians, we love to eat pussy!!" The man now has a huge smile on his face and yells to the bartender, "Hey bartender, 3 beers for us lesbians!!!"
Rubber tax
A guy walks in a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you sell condoms here?" The bartender replies, "Sure do." "How much do they cost?" "They're different prices for the different styles. You go over to the right wall, pick out the one you want and come back and let me know which one and I'll give you a price." So the guy goes over and picks out a hot pink one with black poke-a-dots. He asks the bartender how much? "That will be $1.15 + tax." "I don't need the tacks! It'll stay up all by itself."
Vampire's Drink
A vampire walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender walks up to him and says, "What can I get you?"
The vampire says, "A cup of hot water."
The bartender looks at him strangely, but gets the water. When he brings it over to the vampire, he says, "I thought you guys drank blood. What's with the water?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "What, you've never heard of a tea bag?"
Nuts
A guy goes into a bar and orders a tall one. As he takes a sip of his beer, he hears a tiny little voice say: "Nice tie." He looks around but sees no one. He take another sip of his beer and hears: "A nice shirt, too." Again he looks around and sees no one.
He signals the bartender over, and hesitantly explains that he's hearing voices talking to him... "Of course," smiles the bartender. "It's the peanuts - they're complimentary."
Okay, pigs don't really drink beer but...
A pig walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Can I have a pint of beer please" The bartender says "Certainly sir, that's £1.80 please" And the pig goes "Well, the thing is before I cam here I'd just been to the fair and I went on all the rides, I went on the roundabout and I went round and round and round and then I went on the waltzes and I just went round and round and round and then I went on the helter skelter and I just kept going round and round and round and I think all my money must have fallen out of my pockets." And the bartender goes "Well that's all very well but why the round tale/tail?"
Three Vampires
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."
Whew!
A crocodile walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Once upon a time there were three bears, mummy bear, daddy bear and baby bear. One day the three bears decided to go for a walk because it was a nice day. Whilst they were out this nosey little bitch called Goldilocks stumbled upon their home and by smashing a window entered the cottage. She walked into the kitchen and found three bowls of porridge, a small one, a medium one and a large one and being a greedy cow she ate all three up. Then she walked into the living room and saw three chairs - a small one, a medium one and a large one and being a dirty cow she pooed on each one. Then she went upstairs into the bedroom and saw three beds - a small one, a medium one and a large bed. First she sat on the biggest bed but it was too hard, then she sat on the medium sized bed but alas it was too soft and then she sat on the smallest bed and it was just right because it had a Teletubbies quilt cover. Goldilocks was so content that she fell asleep. Soon after, the three bears came back from their walk. "Who's been eating our food?" wailed mummy bear "It doesn't matter mummy" replied baby bear "Your food tastes like shit anyway!" Then the three bears walked into the living room "Who's been pooing on my chair?" wailed mummy bear. "It doesn't matter mummy" replied baby bear. "We always poo on our chairs." Then the three bears went upstairs because they were tired after their walk and they were looking forward to a bit of hanky panky because they are funny little bears. "WHO'S BEEN SLEEPING IN MY BED?" bellowed daddy bear. "Who's been sleeping in my bed?" cried mummy bear. "Look, look there's somebody in my bed" said baby bear with glee. On hearing all this commotion Goldilocks woke up with a fright and immediately ran downstairs and all the way home and that was the last they ever saw of Goldilocks. "That's all very well" replied the bartender "but why the long tale?"
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