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The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for
thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has
never been found.
- Calvin Trillin
Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.
- Ogden Nash
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
- W.C. Fields
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when
you came along.
- Groucho Marx
Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food,
and tyrannize their teachers.
- Socrates
I like children - fried.
- W.C. Fields
He comes from a rich family - his brother is worth $50,000 dead or alive.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
- Emo Philips
Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children
- Sam Levinson
I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already
well catered for in any respectable domestic establishment.
- Alan Bennett
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of
sorrow.
- Rita Rudner
Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and
aggravation later in life.
- Robert Byrne
Family dinners are more often than not an ordeal of nervous indigestion,
preceded by hidden resentment and ennui and accompanied by psychosomatic
jitters.
- M. F. K. Fisher
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a
million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
- Jim Bishop
There are two things that a child will share willingly - communicable diseases
and its mother's age.
- Benjamin Spock
Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your head.
- Martin Mull
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussard's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the
attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking'.
- Les Dawson
My unhealthy affection for my second daughter has waned. Now I despise all my
seven children equally.
- Evelyn Waugh
No wonder people are so horrible when they start life as children.
- Kingsley Amis
Somewhere on this earth, every ten seconds, a woman gives birth to a child. We
must find that woman and stop her.
- Sam Levenson
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Don't try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.
- Russell Baker
Last week, I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the
Richter scale.
- Les Dawson
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or
forbid your kids to do it.
- Monta Crane
If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance.
- Al Bernstein |
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